Redeemed by Faith
- Morg
- Mar 31, 2021
- 6 min read
**Disclaimer: If you think you know someone, you probably don’t.** If I met you within the last decade of our lives, you may read the headline and think this is a bunch of BS. Well. . . life changing revelations happen, and everyone has their own story. Whether you were brought up in the church, you found HIM later in life, or you simply strayed away and are on your way back in. . .Y’all, God is so good, & I believe I’m ~ready~ tell you the “new” beginning of my journey.
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I grew up in the Roman Catholic Church. I began my seven sacraments shortly after birth, and have vivid memories of weekly mass with my grandparents, and Sunday school with my mother. I remember driving a few hours to Catholic Church camp each summer throughout my grade school years. The first summer I was nervous, but then became excited as I found my place on campus & with my faith. I would fill the car rides home with favorite songs, and stories of the exciting events of my weeks at camp each summer.
Once I started high school, I got very involved in volleyball and the world of being a teenager/young adult. Very involved. To the point it consumed my life. . . and not in a bad way at all. Volleyball was one of the greatest teachers in my life, but it altered my priorities. The ever-changing world around me altered my outlooks and decisions. Around this same time, some of the beliefs, practices and rules of the Roman Catholic Church turned my mother away, and essentially me (since she was my ride every week).
The time of undergrad came, and I moved across the country & encountered mass amounts of change in my life. The World consumed all of me. I think it’s safe to say this has happened to a majority of us. Looking back, it was unbelievably easy to get caught up in clouded decisions just to "fit in,” unhealthy binges and the havoc of social media. I became so knowledgeable, but fell to a true identity crisis. It's true, no matter how “figured out” I thought I had it.
The summer leading into my third undergrad year, my parents began the process of divorce. It was very difficult being old enough to comprehend what was happening and why. A few weeks later, amidst this family emotional adjustment, a sorority sister tragically had her life taken too soon in the Las Vegas Shooting. Thirty-five days after that, I received a phone call from across the country that one of my hometown best friends had an unanticipated fatal accident.
I was beyond unsettled and broken. Frustration and darkness effortlessly took over. I hadn’t had time to rightfully process one event before the next one was sprung on me. I couldn’t seem to catch a break. This was a lot of heaviness to carry along with the normal weight of everyday life. Mentally, I was drained. Emotionally, I was drained.
I quickly built such an armor in order to keep moving forward with college and friends. Humor and a smile were my most fitting shield, as I’m not one to burden others with my hurting. But, a ticking-time bomb assembled inside me. I admit to moments where I resembled Hell’s fire in my eyes, words, and actions. I willingly joined arguments, gossip and unnecessary drama. I lost friends, and relationships I had built for years. I found myself in bad, unhealthy habits and decisions. This went on for longer than I ever hoped for myself. I fell into the house of the enemy.
“Why me?” was my initial question. What did I do to deserve these trials? And why was God piling them on one after another, knowing I was still struggling? Did he want me to give up? I sure felt close to doing so. And if I were being totally honest, it seemed that many turned to the word of the Lord in these times, however, I could not help but become furious and so unbelievably upset with God. I was coming up with every excuse of why He had gave me all these hardships that I did not believe I deserved. I was blaming and ignoring Him.
I have been told that “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” In this time, I felt everything BUT strong. I felt too broken to initially be chosen for His “army.” In my heart and mind, I considered myself an AWOL. I strayed away from the establishments and individuals that housed the encouragement of God and His teachings.
Around springtime of 2019 I re-downloaded the app “Sprinkle of Jesus,” (which I highly recommend to you all). And it wasn’t until around that Fall when the toughest battles statement re-surfaced in my mind when I was on a spontaneous road trip. The thought of this quote brought so much realization as I sat on the ledge of the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona, Arizona (which I also highly recommend).
Ping.
A daily ~sprinkle~ notification caught my attention, Philippians 4:6-7. I read it over and over and over. The hustle and bustle of tourists blurred around me, and I sat still. I began to recognize the stillness. The beaming sun warmed my shoulder blades. I thought to myself: why am I in a constant state of anxiety, blame, and fear? I started asking myself (in my head of course) questions that I soon found I was beginning to answer myself. Answers I’ve never heard before. I will never understand why I'm handed the struggles set before me. God is not throwing me into battle to sit back and watch if and how I make it through. He is here, right now. He showed up there to remind and encourage me to lean on Him in this humility. This is Him creating a strong solider out of weakness and the battles. He was right there with arms wide-open, ushering me back on His path.
And you, who were once alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless
- Colossians 1:21-22
I (and you) should not stray away when the storms hit the seas. We must not be afraid to show Him our fragility. (I mean, if we’re gonna show anyone, it might as well be Him). A recent book I read by Kristin Beasley points out that we "are the very battlefield in which the war is taking place.” I continue to remind myself that He will never leave us in our trials. He is here. He is everywhere we go. We may never understand why things end up the way they do, or why certain things happen to us, but we need to understand God always has the best intentions for our hearts, minds, and futures. The past year or so has been a renewing admission back to the Word of God and the path He has set out for me. When the Word of the Lord, and the realization of the love of Christ Jesus slaps you in the face (figuratively, of course), it’s hard to overlook, and, you just keep wanting more. It has taken quite some reflection and a lot of mental work-through to realize my journey with the Lord and Jesus is eternal and will never be broken. Honestly, I was scared to really slow down and become overwhelmed with all that needed fixing in me. But, it did not take long to realize that the house of the enemy is somewhere I do not want to be.
I don’t want to make it seem like it has been all rainbows and butterflies since I (re)dedicated my life to Christ. It has been everything but easy. If anything, the start of it all was the most difficult. I committed myself to Christ without all the details, and that was one of the most fearsome things I have ever done. It took weeks. . . . .months for me to turn my vanity into humility. It took eleven months to physically attend a Sunday morning service again. It took half a year for me to write this and then gain the courage to tell y’all. There were days I felt like giving all of it up. But, whenever I began to second guess, He placed a reminder (or sprinkle) in my life of why I needed to do this, and why I need HIM.
He is so much more than the physicality of the church, and rules and practices my mother and I strayed away from. He is SO MUCH MORE! I admit that I'm fairly new to it all. I'm still learning, listening, reading, and taking it all in. I also admit that I've never felt so understood and loved. While my undiminished, fiery attitude will forever seek (and overthink) the purpose behind these trials, I now understand He has a surpassing reason. I continue to remind myself that we have to go through the hard stuff to be prepared for the greatness down the road. I’m a daughter of God, and I have a mission to live by faith, grow in the grace of God, and spread love like Jesus.
God is so so good y’all. I’m beyond eager to keep sharing my journey.
Happy Easter & Resurrection --
Xoxo,
Morg
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
-Romans 5:3-4
SONGS FOR THE SOUL: https://open.spotify.com/track/3v8BMCftaY6CMe06VBSe0c?si=BB2YCO7pStmBHTB2miUzuA
OR if you're feeling a whole playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3xqdK3UbhbKauGhYJwyceL?si=SwIPS9WZTW2LN64X7nzO0Q
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